The 2008 Resolution Bonanza Spectaculaire
Every year I’m optimistic about New Year’s resolutions, and every year they fail me miserably. Or, perhaps more to the point, I fail them. I’m one of those people who’s the poster child for every old cliché adage about “best intentions”. I get a lot of stuff done, don’t get me wrong. But those lofty New Year’s goals we set for ourselves every year…not so much. I handle the day-to-day things with flair, and maybe it’s my “God is in the details” mentality that makes it hard for me to throw myself wholeheartedly into vague, big-picture aims. I know what I want to accomplish today, I even know what I want to accomplish this weekend—but for the whole of a year? Who can say?
This year I was going to resolve to never make any more resolutions, because I hate feeling like a failure. But then I realized if I’m going to set myself up for failure anyway, I might as well do it with panache and bravado. I might as well choose resolutions that I’d make happen if I could wrinkle my nose like Bewitched and turn fantasy into reality. And it’s funny, in a sophomoric sort of way, to have the odd out-of-left-field resolution to proclaim when some well-meaning soul tries to make idle chit-chat out of the “Well, do you have any New Year’s resolutions?” line.
So I present to you my 2008 Resolution Bonanza Spectaculaire. Roll out the red carpet, put up the big tent, and suspend your disbelief…seriously.
In exact order, for no particular reason:
- Take out a loan and secure the services of Posh Spice’s plastic surgeon.
- Secure the services of David Beckham.
- Hire a team of top-notch scientists to develop the ability to time travel; return to May of 2007; wrangle tickets to the 300 Los Angeles premier; and make good on my brilliant idea to somehow convince David Wenham to let me tag along—and to buy me a perfect Yves Saint Laurent and Manolo Blahniks just for the occasion.
- Did I mention #2?
Photograph by Maulleigh. Some rights reserved. - Buy season tickets to both West Ham United and Los Angeles Galaxy teams, and advance book all the necessary travel arrangements to be in East London for every home match, then on the other side of the world in Los Angeles for every match there. Sometimes simultaneously.
- #5 probably should have been win the lotto in order to allow for #6. In fact, #1 might well have been win the lotto, too. I’d still want those Manolos from Wenham himself, hand-delivered to my door. Hey, I’d tip.
- I can’t remember if I mentioned #2…
- Read every single book I have purchased over the last 5+ years that, due to studies and the general business of life, I haven’t yet gotten around to reading. And trust me, we’re talking a lot of books. I’ve had to empty out chests of drawers, donate my clothes to the needy, and use the storage space for unread books. 2008 would be The Year of the Really-Really-Really-Belated Oprah Book Club.
- Figure out a way to get Entertainment magazine to stop sending me “WARNING: YOU’LL NEVER HEAR FROM US AGAIN” letters every week since I once subscribed back in, oh what was it…1982?
- All the way to #10. You must’ve forgotten #2 by now. Take a moment to refresh your memory.
For all those with genuine 2008 Resolutions, I say: may you have better luck with them than I’ve ever had with mine. All the best to you and yours in the new year.
I’ll just be over here working on #2.
Dina Ely is a freelance writer, poet, and author of short fiction. Readers can contact her at dely723@yahoo.com
1 comment January 2nd, 2008
